You opened the email you’d been avoiding. You gathered the account statements your attorney requested. You asked a question that made you feel uncomfortable, or you paused before sending a response you probably would have regretted.
None of those things comes with a round of applause. But when you’re going through a divorce, they can take a tremendous amount of effort.
It’s easy to measure progress by one question: “Is my divorce over yet?” If the answer is no, you may feel like you’re stuck—even when you’re making difficult decisions, learning new skills, and handling situations differently than you did a month ago.
In this mini episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, Andrea Rappaport explores the power of small wins during divorce and why you deserve to recognize them before the final signature. Your case may be moving slowly. That doesn’t mean you aren’t moving forward.
Why Finalizing Your Divorce Isn’t the Only Milestone That Matters
The end of a divorce is an understandable milestone to focus on. You want the uncertainty to settle. You want answers about money, parenting arrangements, and what your life will look like next.
But there can be a long stretch between deciding to divorce and having everything finalized. During that time, you may be waiting for documents, responses, appointments, or decisions you cannot control.
If you only acknowledge progress when the legal process moves forward, much of your own work goes unnoticed. You might have completed a stressful task, communicated more thoughtfully, or found the courage to ask for help. Those accomplishments matter even when the next court date hasn’t changed.
As Andrea puts it in the episode, “Your divorce could be moving so slowly while you’re actually making some very real progress.”
Recognizing that progress gives you a fuller picture of what you’re doing to get through this difficult chapter.
What Counts as a Small Win During Divorce?
Some wins are practical. Gathering financial paperwork, making a budget, or reading a statement can feel especially difficult when money brings up fear or uncertainty. Completing one of those tasks deserves acknowledgment, even if it looks ordinary to someone else.
Andrea shares that financial matters were stressful for her during divorce. Looking back, she wishes she had taken more time to recognize when she did something she had been afraid to do. You don’t have to become an expert overnight to give yourself credit for learning.
Other wins involve communication. Maybe you wanted to respond immediately to an upsetting message but decided to wait. Maybe you brought a clear question to your attorney instead of sitting with confusion because you were embarrassed to ask.
There are parenting wins, too. Perhaps you put down your phone and gave your children your attention for a few minutes. You enjoyed dinner together, listened to a story, or shared a laugh without the divorce taking up the entire moment.
These experiences don’t have to be dramatic to be meaningful. They are part of the life you’re continuing to live while the process unfolds.
Recovering From a Mistake Is Progress, Too
You won’t handle every moment the way you hoped. You may respond too quickly, lose your patience, or look back at a conversation and wish you had approached it differently.
Recognizing a mistake gives you something to work with. You can acknowledge what happened, take responsibility where needed, and consider how you want to handle a similar situation next time.
That doesn’t erase the mistake or make its impact irrelevant. It does mean the story can include what you did afterward.
During divorce, it can be tempting to judge yourself by your worst reaction. Andrea encourages listeners to notice the moments when they catch themselves, reflect, and choose a different response. Learning to recover is worth recognizing alongside the times you get it right from the start.
Celebrate Your Progress Before You Raise the Bar
You finally finish a difficult task, and your mind immediately moves to everything else you haven’t done. Or you have a good moment with your children and decide that tomorrow needs to be even better.
That is a lot of pressure to attach to one accomplishment.
If you gave your kids ten minutes of undivided attention tonight, it doesn’t mean tomorrow has to become an elaborate evening of perfect parenting. If you organized one set of documents, you don’t have to finish every outstanding task before you’re allowed to feel good about it.
Give yourself a moment to acknowledge what happened. You did something that required effort. Let that count before turning your attention to the next thing.
Celebrating small wins during divorce can be simple and inexpensive. Play a favorite song, take a short walk, enjoy your coffee, or tell someone, “That was hard for me, and I’m proud I did it.” The point is to notice the accomplishment rather than rush past it.
One Difficult Moment Doesn’t Have to Define the Whole Day
In the episode, Andrea describes a rough morning that seemed certain to become a terrible day. By the afternoon, things had improved. By that evening, she had enjoyed herself.
The morning was still difficult. It just wasn’t the whole story.
When divorce stress is taking up so much space, it can be easy to decide that one upsetting interaction has ruined the day. Sometimes it helps to leave room for the possibility that the next few hours could feel different.
You don’t have to force yourself to be cheerful or pretend something didn’t hurt. You can simply recognize, “This has been a hard morning. I don’t know what the rest of today will bring.”
And if the day stays hard, that doesn’t cancel the progress you made yesterday. There is no requirement to turn every difficult experience into a positive lesson.
Try This: Keep a “Things That Didn’t Suck” List
Andrea’s main action step is deliberately simple: open the notes app on your phone and start one running list called “Things That Didn’t Suck” or “Things I Don’t Suck At.”
Add a sentence whenever you do something you want to remember. You might write, “I asked my attorney the question I was nervous to ask,” “I finished the paperwork,” or “I was kind to myself when I wanted to criticize everything I did.”
You can include a workout, a moment with your children, or a decision to ask for support. The list belongs to you. It doesn’t need to impress anyone else.
Over time, it becomes a record you can revisit when you feel as though nothing is changing. You don’t have to remember every accomplishment while you’re discouraged; you’ve already written some of them down.
You also don’t have to add something every day. This is a way to recognize your effort, not another task to feel guilty about missing.
Find People Who Understand Why the Small Things Matter
Sometimes saying an accomplishment out loud makes it feel more real. You may want someone to understand why opening an email or completing a financial form felt like such a big deal.
Our private Facebook community offers a place to connect with other people navigating divorce and coparenting. Share a small win, ask for encouragement, or hear from people who understand the work behind an ordinary-looking task.
For moments when you need to pause and regroup, explore our guided meditations for divorce. If you’re looking for help understanding the process, our Divorce Crash Course includes a private podcast and guidebook to help you prepare and ask better questions. Typically priced at $150, it’s available now for $50 thanks to our angel underwriters, OurFamilyWizard and Soberlink.
Parents looking for tools to organize coparenting communication, schedules, and expenses can also explore OurFamilyWizard and receive 20% off their first year through our listener link.
Listen to “Small Wins in Divorce Count More Than You Think”
Listen to the full mini episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce for Andrea’s honest, funny reminder that progress can look incredibly boring—and still deserve credit.
Tonight, take a moment to ask yourself what you handled today. Maybe it was paperwork. Maybe it was an uncomfortable conversation. Maybe you asked for help instead of trying to manage everything alone.
You don’t have to wait until your divorce is over to recognize the effort it takes to get through it.
You have got this. And we’ve got you.