Episode 189: When Your Divorcing Spouse is Still Trying to Control You (It’s Hurting Your Case)
Just because your marriage is over doesn’t mean the control magically disappeared.
In fact, for many people, controlling behavior gets worse during divorce—quieter, sneakier, and far more damaging if you don’t recognize it for what it is.
In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, we unpack one of the most common (and misunderstood) dynamics in high-conflict divorces: post-separation control—and why reacting to it can quietly sabotage your legal case, your finances, and your peace.
This episode isn’t about diagnosing your ex.
It’s about protecting yourself.
What Post-Divorce Control Actually Looks Like
When people hear “control,” they picture yelling, threats, or explosive behavior. But during divorce, control is often far more subtle—and that’s what makes it dangerous.
It can look like:
Weaponized silence or delayed responses
Constantly moving the goalposts
Micromanaging parenting decisions
Guilt disguised as concern (“This is really hurting the kids…”)
Financial monitoring or pressure
Demanding explanations, approvals, or instant responses
Sometimes it’s loud.
Sometimes it’s polite.
Either way, the goal is the same: access and power.
Why Control Often Escalates After Separation
Divorce represents a massive loss of control—especially for someone who relied on it to feel safe or superior in the relationship.
When that control is threatened, the behavior doesn’t disappear. It adapts.
That’s why many people feel blindsided when the manipulation ramps up after filing. Divorce doesn’t cure controlling behavior—it often exposes it.
Here’s the hard truth:
Reacting, over-explaining, or trying to “keep the peace” can hurt your legal case.
Courts don’t care about emotional backstory.
They care about patterns, behavior, and documentation.
When you:
Over-respond to inflammatory messages
Negotiate outside your attorney
Let guilt drive decisions
Allow your ex to influence your legal strategy
You risk undermining your own credibility and weakening your position—especially in custody or financial disputes.
The Trap of “Splitting”
One of the most dangerous dynamics we discuss is something called splitting—when your spouse’s influence starts driving a wedge between you and your attorney.
This can sound like:
“Your lawyer is just running up the bill.”
“They’re making things worse.”
“You don’t need to do all of this.”
When that doubt creeps in, people stop sharing information, stop trusting advice, and start second-guessing decisions that were made strategically.
That’s not accidental.
That’s control doing its job.
How to Take Your Power Back (For Real)
Control only works if it has access.
Here’s what actually shuts it down:
1. Tighten Structure
Vague agreements are playgrounds for controlling behavior. Specific, enforceable structure is your friend.
2. Reduce Access
You are not required to be available, reactive, or responsive on demand. Fewer words = more power.
3. Stop JADE-ing
Stop Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining. You don’t need to prove your reasoning to someone who benefits from misunderstanding it.
4. Use BIF When You Must Respond
Brief. Informative. Firm. Friendly.
Not cold. Not emotional. Not verbose.
5. Loop in Your Attorney Early
If something feels off, say it. Control thrives in silence and shame.
A Hard (But Important) Truth
Control is a two-way street.
The moment you stop engaging in the tug-of-war, the rope drops—and the person pulling usually falls.
That doesn’t mean the fear isn’t real.
It means your nervous system is trying to protect you from a familiar pattern.
And patterns can be changed.
You’re Not Weak—You’re Learning
If you’re realizing right now that control is still happening, that’s not failure. That’s awareness.
This episode is about helping you:
See the pattern
Name it
Reduce its power
Move forward strategically
Because divorce is not about winning arguments.
It’s about getting out with your future intact.
🎧 Listen to the full episode:
When Your Divorcing Spouse Is Still Trying to Control You