5 Things I Wish I Knew Before My High-Conflict Divorce
If I could go back and sit down with myself before my high-conflict divorce started, there are a few things I would tell her.
Actually, there are a LOT of things I would tell her. But these five probably would have saved me the most money, the most energy and the most completely unnecessary 2 a.m. spiraling.
Because here's the thing about a high-conflict divorce: you don't really understand what you're dealing with until you're in it.
Things that should be simple aren't simple. Every email feels loaded. Every decision becomes a battle. You're constantly trying to figure out whether something is a real problem or just the latest attempt to get a reaction out of you. And because this is your money, your kids, your home and your future, everything feels incredibly important.
It isn't.
And figuring out what actually matters is one of the most important things you're going to learn.
So, from someone who has been there, here are the five things I really wish someone had told me. And yes, this is why we started our top ranked divorce podcast, How Not to Suck at Divorce.
1. It's Probably Going to Get Worse Before It Gets Better
I know. Great start.
But I wish someone had prepared me for this because there were so many times during my divorce when things escalated and I thought, Oh my God. If it's this bad now, where the hell is this going?
The answer was: eventually, out.
High-conflict divorce has a way of getting louder before it gets quieter. When someone feels like they're losing control—over you, the kids, money, the narrative, the marriage itself—they may push harder.
That doesn't mean you need to push harder back.
It also doesn't mean every horrible week is an indication of where your divorce is headed.
Your ex sending an insane email doesn't mean they're winning.
An accusation doesn't become true because someone typed it.
Someone being furious with you doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
And a really shitty Tuesday can just be a really shitty Tuesday.
Don't let every escalation convince you that you need to escalate too.
You need to keep moving forward.
2. Choose Your Battles—and For the Love of God, Don't Take the Bait
This is probably one of the hardest things to learn in a high-conflict divorce.
You do not need to respond to everything.
I repeat:
YOU DO NOT NEED TO RESPOND TO EVERYTHING.
When somebody says something about you that's completely untrue, of course you want to correct it.
When they rewrite history, you want to explain what actually happened.
When they send you an obnoxious text, you want to send one back.
And when you've spent years in a relationship with this person, they usually know exactly what to say to get a reaction out of you.
They know your buttons because they helped install them.
Don't take the bait.
Before you respond, ask yourself: Does this actually require a response?
If the answer is no, stop.
If the answer is yes, respond only to the part that actually requires one.
This is also where the BIFF method can become your best friend. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
Your ex sends you six paragraphs about how selfish you are, how you've ruined everyone's life and how impossible you are to co-parent with—and buried somewhere in paragraph five is a question about whether you're picking the kids up at 5:00.
Your response can be:
"Yes. I'll pick them up at 5:00. Thank you."
That's it.
You don't need to defend your character. You don't need to address every accusation. You don't need to prove that they're an asshole.
You need to get divorced.
Those are two very different goals.
And every battle costs you something. Sometimes it's emotional energy. Sometimes it's time. And sometimes you're literally paying your attorney hundreds of dollars an hour to participate in it.
Choose accordingly.
3. Learn How to Communicate With Your Attorney
This one can save you actual money.
Your divorce attorney does not need the director's cut.
When you're living through a high-conflict divorce, everything feels connected. Something happens Tuesday and you feel like your attorney can't possibly understand it unless you explain what happened last Christmas, which requires explaining what happened during spring break, which obviously won't make sense unless they understand the thing your mother-in-law said in 2019.
I get it.
Your attorney probably does not need all of it.
Bullet points are your friend.
Tell them what happened.
Tell them when it happened.
Tell them what documentation you have.
Tell them what you need from them.
That's it.
Instead of sending a gigantic emotional email, try:
ISSUE: Parenting schedule
Ex requested a schedule change on August 10.
I responded on August 11.
He is now refusing the August 15 exchange.
Screenshots are attached.
Question: Do I need to respond or take any action?
Your attorney can understand that immediately.
And here's another thing I wish more people understood: do not fire off emails to your attorney in the middle of the night just because you're panicking.
Write it if you have to.
Put it in drafts.
Read it in the morning.
There is a very good chance Morning You is going to delete approximately 73% of what 1:47 A.M. You thought your attorney desperately needed to know.
And because you're paying for your attorney's time, shorter, clearer communication isn't just easier for them.
It can be better for your legal bill.
4. Document, Document, Document
If your divorce is high conflict, documentation is going to become your friend.
Your memory is not a filing system.
You're stressed. You're exhausted. You're trying to work, parent, manage a household, deal with lawyers, understand finances and somehow continue functioning like a normal human being.
You're not going to remember six months from now whether something happened on March 7 or March 17.
Write it down.
Save important emails. Keep relevant text messages. Save financial records. Keep track of significant incidents.
And most importantly, create a timeline.
Not a diary.
Not:
"Today my ex was an asshole again."
A useful, factual timeline.
Date. What happened. What documentation exists. Why it might matter.
We actually included a divorce timeline inside our Divorce Crash Course for exactly this reason. When you're in the middle of everything, having one organized place to keep track of what's happening can be incredibly helpful.
The Divorce Crash Course also walks you through the other things I desperately wish people knew earlier—how to work with your attorney, finances, custody and parenting issues, mistakes that can cost you money and how to get yourself organized before your divorce becomes your entire life.
It's typically $150 and currently available for $50 thanks to our angel underwriters, OurFamilyWizard and Soberlink.
[GET THE DIVORCE CRASH COURSE HERE]
One important caveat: documenting your divorce doesn't mean documenting every annoying thing your ex has ever done.
Your ex leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor in 2018 is probably not evidence.
Focus on what matters, keep it factual, and ask your attorney what documentation is actually relevant to your case.
5. You Have to Find a Way to Get Your Divorce Out of Your Head
This might be the thing I wish I understood most.
Because high-conflict divorce doesn't stay neatly inside your attorney's office.
It follows you everywhere.
You're driving and replaying an argument.
You're making dinner and thinking about money.
You're dropping your kids off and wondering what's happening when you're not there.
You're lying in bed rereading a text.
You're trying to work and suddenly wondering what your ex told their attorney.
Your attorney hasn't responded to an email yet and your brain has decided this clearly means everything is falling apart.
And you can spend HOURS trying to think your way out of something that cannot actually be solved right now.
I know this one personally.
Sometimes you need information. Sometimes you need your lawyer. Sometimes you need to take action.
And sometimes you need your brain to shut the fuck up for ten minutes.
That's why we created our Guided Divorce Meditations.
And before you picture me sitting cross-legged on a mountain telling you to connect with your inner child—no.
I needed something very different when I was overwhelmed.
I needed a calm, rational voice that understood why I was freaking out, validated that yes, this is really fucking hard, and then helped me figure out what to do with my brain in that moment.
That's what these are.
We created short, on-demand meditations for the actual moments divorce hits hardest: when you can't sleep, when you're terrified about money, when you're worried about your kids, when you're replaying your marriage, when a custody transition wrecks you or when everything simply feels like too much.
Put in your earbuds. Press play. Let us help you through the moment you're actually in.
[GET THE GUIDED DIVORCE MEDITATIONS HERE]
Because you cannot let your divorce have access to your brain 24 hours a day.
You need sleep.
You need to work.
You need to parent.
You need to eat something other than whatever you found standing in front of the refrigerator at midnight.
And most importantly, you need enough of yourself left when this is over to build whatever comes next.
One More Thing
A high-conflict divorce can convince you that this is just your life now.
It isn't.
I know it can feel endless when you're in it. I know there are days when you cannot imagine having a conversation that doesn't somehow involve your divorce. And I know there are moments when you would give anything just to fast-forward a year and see that you're okay.
You will be.
But you don't get there by winning every argument.
You get there by getting smarter about which things deserve you.
Your response.
Your money.
Your attorney's time.
Your attention.
Your sleep.
Your fucking sanity.
Protect those things.
Choose your battles. Don't take the bait. Communicate clearly. Document what matters. And find a way to turn the noise off when there's nothing productive left for you to do.
You don't need to win every interaction.
You need to get through the divorce.
And you will.
One step at a time. One day at a time. And some days, one hour at a time.
You've got this.
And we've got you.