5 Divorce Myths That Could Cost You Time, Money and Your Sanity
There are a lot of divorce myths floating around out there, and unfortunately, some of them sound completely believable. Your attorney shouldn’t be friendly with your ex’s attorney. You’re probably going to end up in court. You need a divorce coach. Your lawyer should respond to you immediately. And if your divorce is “simple,” you probably don’t need a particularly experienced attorney.
The problem isn’t just that some of these things aren’t true. It’s that believing them can completely screw with your expectations about how divorce is supposed to work. And unrealistic expectations in divorce have a funny little habit of turning into unnecessary stress, bad decisions and, my personal favorite, giant legal bills.
So Morgan and I decided it was time to bust some of the divorce myths we hear over and over again.
Divorce Myth #1: Your Attorney Shouldn’t Be Friendly With Your Ex’s Attorney
This one freaks people out.
You find out your divorce attorney had lunch with opposing counsel. Or you see them chatting and laughing together outside the courtroom. Or your lawyer casually mentions that they’ve known your ex’s attorney for 15 years.
And suddenly you’re thinking: Excuse me? Are you two FRIENDS?
Because this person represents the person who is currently making my life a living hell, and now you’re discussing where you’re going for sushi?
But this can actually be a really good thing.
A strong professional relationship between two divorce attorneys does not mean they’re “in cahoots.” It means they know each other. They know how the other person operates. There may be trust between them. And that can make negotiations significantly more efficient.
Think about what happens when attorneys don’t trust each other. Everything requires more posturing. More documentation. More emails. More back-and-forth. More proving that you mean what you say.
And guess who pays for all of that?
Hi. It’s you.
Your divorce attorney does not need to hate your ex’s attorney to effectively represent you. In fact, two attorneys who respect each other and can pick up the phone and have a productive conversation may be able to accomplish far more than two attorneys who turn every interaction into World War III.
You want your lawyer fighting for you. That does not require them to fight with everyone.
Divorce Myth #2: You’re Going to Get Your Day in Court
I understand the fantasy.
You have spent months—or years—dealing with absolute insanity. Nobody understands what this person has put you through. But eventually, you are going to walk into that courtroom. The judge is going to hear the whole story. Justice will finally be served. Your ex will be exposed for the lunatic you have been telling everyone they are, and the judge will basically turn to you and say, “Wow. You were right about everything.”
I am so sorry to ruin this for you.
That is probably not how this is going to go.
First, most divorce cases don’t actually end in a full-blown trial. Morgan estimates that in her own practice, 5% or fewer of her cases actually make it all the way to trial.
And a hearing is not the same thing as a trial. You may absolutely end up in front of a judge during your divorce without ever having the dramatic courtroom showdown you’ve been imagining.
There’s also a reason divorce attorneys generally try to settle cases when settlement is possible: trial is expensive, exhausting and unpredictable.
When you go to trial, you are handing enormous decisions about your money, your children and your future to a judge who does not know you or your family. And even if you technically “win,” you may walk out feeling like you lost after you see what it cost you financially and emotionally to get there.
The goal of divorce should not be vindication. I know that’s a very annoying sentence when you desperately want someone in a robe to confirm that your ex is an asshole. But your legal strategy needs to be about getting you to the best possible outcome—not proving that you were right about your marriage.
Divorce Myth #3: You Need a Divorce Coach
Divorce coaches are everywhere right now.
Spend approximately four minutes on Instagram after Googling the word “divorce,” and the algorithm will introduce you to seventeen of them.
Some divorce coaches can be incredibly helpful. This isn’t anti-divorce-coach. The problem is the idea that everyone going through divorce automatically needs one.
Morgan’s advice is to talk to your attorney before adding another professional voice to your divorce team. Find out what that person is going to do, what their qualifications are and how their role fits into your overall strategy.
Because more people giving you advice does not necessarily mean better advice.
You may already have an attorney giving you legal advice, a therapist helping you deal with the emotional side of divorce, friends and family weighing in, some woman named Linda in a Facebook group telling you what happened in her divorce in Arizona in 2007, and now we’re adding another person to the mix.
Make sure you know what problem you’re actually hiring someone to solve.
There are also situations, including certain collaborative divorce processes, where a coach may be an intentional part of the team. That's different from deciding you need to hire someone because Instagram told you that no divorce is complete without one.
Divorce Myth #4: Your Divorce Attorney Should Respond Immediately
This is a big one because divorce feels urgent.
When you are living through it, everything can feel like an emergency. Your ex sent a text. Something happened at pickup. You got an email that sent your heart rate to approximately 4,000 beats per minute. You immediately email your attorney because WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
And then they don't answer for three hours.
Obviously, they have abandoned you.
Except they may be in court. They may be dealing with a client whose child has actually been taken somewhere without permission. They may have a legitimate emergency happening in another case.
Good family law firms have to triage.
That doesn't mean you should accept terrible communication. You absolutely should not. If you're routinely waiting days and days for responses and have no idea what is happening with your case, that's a problem.
But this is why communication expectations should be discussed before you hire your divorce attorney.
Ask them: What is your normal response time? If you're unavailable, who will I hear from? Will I primarily communicate with you, an associate or a paralegal? What happens if I actually have an emergency?
And pay attention to the answers.
Because the attorney sitting across from you during the consultation is not the only person you're hiring. You're hiring their firm.
Divorce Myth #5: “My Divorce Is Simple, So I Don’t Need a Great Attorney”
Maybe your divorce really is relatively straightforward. Maybe you and your spouse agree on most things. Maybe there isn't a massive business to value or a custody war brewing.
Great. We love that for you.
But “simple” does not necessarily mean that the cheapest attorney you can find is the right attorney for you.
One of the things Morgan and I talked about in this episode is that you need to consider not only the complexity of your case, but the level of service you need.
Maybe you need an attorney who communicates frequently. Maybe you want someone who will take the time to explain exactly what is happening and why. Maybe you're going to need more hand-holding through this process. Or maybe you're completely comfortable with less communication and just want someone to get the paperwork done efficiently.
There isn't one correct answer. But there is a correct fit.
And again, look beyond the attorney. What is the firm like? Who answers the phone? Who responds when your attorney isn't available? What happens after you sign the engagement letter and are no longer the shiny prospective client?
You aren't just choosing legal knowledge. You're choosing the experience you're going to have during one of the most stressful periods of your life.
Stop Letting Divorce Myths Set Your Expectations
One of the hardest parts of divorce is that most people have absolutely no idea what they're doing when they enter it.
Why would you?
Hopefully, you haven't done this six times before.
So you build expectations from what you've seen on television, what happened to your friend's cousin, what someone posted in a Facebook group, what your ex is telling you and whatever Instagram decided to serve you at 1:00 in the morning when you couldn't sleep.
And a lot of it is bullshit.
That's why Morgan and I are constantly telling people to get information before they react. Ask questions. Understand the strategy. Know what something is likely to accomplish before you spend money fighting about it.
Because your divorce does not need to look dramatic to be handled well.
Your attorney doesn't need to hate opposing counsel. You don't need to have your day in court. You don't automatically need another professional on your divorce team. Your attorney doesn't need to respond within seven minutes to be doing their job. And a divorce that looks “simple” on paper still deserves thoughtful legal representation.
The goal isn't to have the divorce you imagined.
The goal is to get through the divorce you actually have—with as much of your money, sanity and future intact as possible.
And remember: divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. Some days you're taking it day by day. Other days it's hour by hour. But it will end.
You've got this.
And we've got you.