Why Being "Too Nice" During Divorce Can Cost You More Than You Think

We've all heard it our whole lives: Be the bigger person. Take the high road. Kill them with kindness. I actually believe in those things. I really do. I don't think the answer to divorce is becoming mean or bitter or trying to "win" at all costs. But somewhere along the way, I think a lot of us—especially the people pleasers—got kindness confused with self-sacrifice. And those two things are not the same.

One of the things Morgan and I talked about in this week's episode is how often people accidentally negotiate against themselves. Not because they have bad lawyers. Not because they don't know what they're entitled to. They do it because they're exhausted. They're emotionally drained, they're sick of the fighting, and they just want the whole thing to stop. When you're in that place, saying yes feels easier than sitting in another uncomfortable conversation.

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I get it because I was that person. When you've spent years trying to keep the peace, standing your ground doesn't feel empowering. It feels mean. It feels selfish. It feels like you're becoming someone you're not. So you sit in your attorney's office nodding along with the strategy, completely understanding why it makes sense, and then you drive home thinking, I don't know if I can actually do that. Not because the advice is wrong, but because advocating for yourself feels so foreign.

Morgan said something during this episode that really resonated with me. She can almost always tell when someone is "too nice." They'll have a meeting, everyone agrees on the strategy, and then a day or two later the client calls back wanting to change everything. Usually nothing about the case has changed. What changed is that the spouse called. Or sent a guilt-inducing text. Or reminded them how disappointed they are. Or somehow managed to make them feel like they're the unreasonable one.

That happens all the time.

If you've been the accommodating one in your marriage, your spouse already knows exactly which buttons to push. That's not necessarily because they're some evil mastermind. It's because you've both spent years learning the dance. You give a little, they ask for a little more. You smooth things over, they expect you to smooth them over again. Divorce doesn't magically erase those patterns overnight.

One example we talked about was parenting time. Maybe giving your spouse every Thanksgiving doesn't seem like that big of a deal today because the kids are little, your plans are flexible, and honestly, you're just trying to survive this process. But divorce decisions have this funny way of following you years into the future. Maybe someday you remarry. Maybe your traditions change. Maybe your kids become teenagers and Thanksgiving suddenly becomes one of the few long weekends you have together. What felt like a harmless concession during mediation suddenly becomes something you wish you had never agreed to.

That's why I loved Morgan's reminder that you don't have to make permanent decisions just because today's emotions are screaming at you. Pain has a way of convincing us that everything is urgent. Most of the time, it isn't.

Another part of our conversation that I absolutely loved was when Morgan said, "You don't have to scream it to mean it." Honestly, I think that should be on a T-shirt.

Somewhere along the line we've convinced ourselves that there are only two ways to communicate during divorce. Either you're endlessly accommodating, or you're yelling and slamming doors. But there is this beautiful middle ground where you can simply say, "No." Calmly. Respectfully. Without apologizing for having boundaries. Sometimes the quietest "no" is actually the strongest one.

That led us into Morgan's THINK acronym, and yes, I made fun of her because if there's an opportunity to create an acronym, she will absolutely take it. But this one is actually worth remembering. Think long-term. Have a purpose. It's okay to say no. Nice isn't the same as fair. Keep your leverage.

I think the first one might be the hardest because divorce naturally makes us focus on today. Today's argument. Today's text message. Today's mediation. Today's panic. But your attorney isn't trying to protect today's version of you. They're trying to protect the person you'll be five years from now. The version of you who has finally caught your breath and has to live with every agreement you signed while you were in survival mode.

If you're naturally kind, I don't want this episode to make you harder. I don't want you to lose that part of yourself because it's one of your greatest strengths. I just want you to recognize that kindness without boundaries eventually becomes self-abandonment. You can absolutely be compassionate, respectful, and generous without giving away pieces of your future simply because someone else is uncomfortable hearing the word no.

That's really the point of this entire episode. You don't have to become someone else to get through your divorce. You just have to become someone who's willing to stand up for yourself, even when it feels unfamiliar. And I promise you, there's a huge difference between being unkind...and finally deciding to stop giving yourself away.