What No One Tells You About Divorce from an Abusive Marriage
From the outside, it looked perfect.
The photos.
The vacations.
The matching holiday outfits.
The kind of life people comment on and say:
“You guys are goals.”
And behind closed doors?
Something felt… off.
Not broken in an obvious way.
Not explosive.
Not even something you could clearly explain.
Just a constant feeling of:
confusion
self-doubt
never quite being “enough”
The Kind of Abuse No One Talks About
When people think about abusive relationships, they picture something obvious.
Yelling.
Fighting.
Physical harm.
But what many women experience is something much harder to identify:
Coercive control.
It doesn’t always look dramatic.
It looks like:
“If you were just better, we wouldn’t have these problems.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You should work on your self-esteem.”
It’s vague.
It’s subtle.
And over time, it rewires how you see yourself.
How You End Up Questioning Everything
One of the most confusing parts?
You don’t even realize what’s happening while you’re in it.
Because nothing feels extreme enough to justify leaving.
So instead, you start to believe:
Maybe I am the problem
Maybe I just need to try harder
Maybe this is normal
And meanwhile, your confidence slowly disappears.
The Illusion of the “Perfect Life”
A lot of women in these relationships become experts at maintaining the facade.
You post the photos.
You show up smiling.
You convince yourself it’s fine.
Sometimes you even believe it.
Because if everything looks good…
Maybe it is.
Until one day, you can’t ignore it anymore.
Leaving Doesn’t End the Control
Here’s something most people don’t tell you:
Leaving doesn’t automatically make things better.
In many cases—
it gets worse before it gets better.
Because the moment you decide to leave, control shifts.
And when someone feels like they’re losing control over you…
They find new ways to get it back.
What That Can Look Like During Divorce
This is where things get really important.
Control often shows up as:
questioning your spending
creating urgency and pressure
pushing you to “just handle it yourselves”
minimizing what you deserve
hiding or manipulating financial information
And if you’re not prepared for it…
You can walk away with less than you should—financially and emotionally.
Why You Need to Be Strategic (Not Just Emotional)
If you take one thing from this, let it be this:
You cannot navigate a controlling divorce casually.
You need:
your own attorney
a clear understanding of your finances
a plan to protect yourself and your children
emotional support (therapy, community, guidance)
Because this isn’t just a breakup.
It’s a legal and psychological process.
This is EXACTLY why we created The Divorce Crash Course- if you’re reading this blog entry PLEASE go get this private podcast!! The Divorce Crash Course is a private podcast and online guidebook that was created to help you navigate this process.
The Part No One Prepares You For
There’s also the emotional aftermath.
The moment where everything starts to click.
Where you realize:
what was actually happening
what you tolerated
what you didn’t see at the time
And sometimes…
You learn things after the divorce that feel like starting the healing process all over again.
So… What Do You Do Now?
If any part of this feels familiar, here’s where to start:
1. Get into therapy
You need clarity and support.
2. Pay attention to how your body feels
Do you feel safe? Or anxious?
3. Start gathering information
Financial, legal, logistical—everything matters.
4. Build your team
Attorney. Therapist. Community.
5. Make a plan before you make a move
This is not something you want to figure out on the fly.
The Truth You Need to Hear
You’re going to do a lot of this afraid.
And that’s okay.
You don’t need to feel ready.
You just need to start.
And if you want to listen to the entire episode- head here!
And When You Get to the Other Side…
Healing isn’t about becoming who you were before.
It’s about becoming someone who could never be broken that way again.