Divorce Advice Nobody Wants to Hear: 10 Unpopular Opinions About Dating, Therapy, Kids, Money & the Marital Home
There is no shortage of divorce advice. Some of it is excellent. Some of it gets repeated so often that nobody stops to ask whether it actually applies to every person, every family, or every divorce.
So let’s make some people uncomfortable.
In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, Andrea shares 10 of her most unpopular divorce opinions—from why divorcing spouses should have separate attorneys to why dating during divorce is not automatically a disaster. There’s also therapy, mental health, co-parenting, friendships, hobbies, television, spending money on yourself, and the emotionally loaded question of whether you should keep the marital home.
Not every opinion will apply to every divorce. You may disagree with some of them. That is entirely the point.
What matters is questioning the advice you’ve been given and making decisions based on your actual life, your finances, your children, your mental health, and the guidance of the professionals working on your case.
If you’d like to listen to the episode, click HERE!
1. You and Your Spouse Should Not Share an Attorney
Even if your divorce is amicable, even if you agree on almost everything, and even if you are determined to keep things peaceful, you should still have your own attorney.
Divorce is not just an emotional process. It is a legal and financial transaction, and each person deserves independent advice from someone whose job is to protect that person’s interests.
Having separate attorneys does not automatically mean your divorce will become combative or wildly expensive. It simply means you each have someone reviewing the agreement from your own perspective before you sign something that could affect your finances, parenting, property, and future for years to come.
You can be friendly with your spouse and still protect yourself.
2. You May Lose Friends During Divorce — and You May Make New Ones
Divorce changes more than your marital status. It can also change your friendships.
Some people will show up for you in ways you never expected. Others may become uncomfortable, pull away, or simply not know how to support you. And yes, sometimes friendships end during divorce.
You may also make new friends during this period who understand exactly what you are going through. Some of those relationships may last forever. Others may exist mostly for this chapter of your life.
That does not mean you did anything wrong.
Divorce is a major transition, and relationships often shift during transitional periods. Not every person in your life is meant to come with you into every chapter.
3. You Need a Therapist During Divorce
Divorce can bring up far more than what is happening between you and your spouse.
It can trigger anxiety, grief, abandonment fears, anger, childhood trauma, insecurity, and emotions you may not have expected to surface.
That is why therapy can be such an important part of divorce support.
Divorce coaches can be helpful for many people. They may help with organization, communication, accountability, co-parenting, or navigating the logistics of the process.
But therapy serves a different purpose.
A licensed mental health professional can help you work through the deeper emotional impact of divorce and support you when the stress starts affecting the way you think, sleep, parent, work, or function.
You do not get extra credit for white-knuckling your way through divorce without support.
4. If Your Ex Is Behaving Badly, You Can Address the Behavior With Your Kids
There is a difference between talking badly about your ex and acknowledging unhealthy behavior your children have already witnessed.
If your child sees a parent screaming, losing control, behaving aggressively, or acting in a way that clearly frightens or confuses them, pretending nothing happened can be just as confusing.
The goal is not to criticize the other parent or recruit your child into the conflict.
The goal is to help your child understand that unhealthy behavior is not normal or something they are responsible for fixing.
What you say will depend on your child’s age, your family situation, and your specific case. This is where a therapist can be incredibly helpful.
The line can be delicate, but the principle matters: you can address behavior without asking your child to take sides.
5. Dating During Divorce Is Not Automatically a Terrible Idea
This may be one of the more controversial opinions on the list.
Dating during divorce can absolutely make things more complicated.
Your ex may react badly. Your children may struggle with it. You may be emotionally vulnerable and more likely to attach yourself to someone simply because they are offering attention during a difficult time.
There may also be legal or strategic reasons why dating is not a smart move in your particular divorce.
That is why the first step should always be talking to your attorney.
But dating during divorce is not automatically immoral, disastrous, or a sign that you are doing something wrong.
For some people, dating provides a reminder that life is continuing. It can be fun. It can help rebuild confidence. It can also provide some truly incredible stories about bizarre dating profiles.
Just go into it with your eyes open.
Date at your own risk.
6. You May Need Medication During Divorce
Divorce can place an enormous amount of stress on your nervous system.
If you cannot sleep, cannot eat, are experiencing intense anxiety, are having panic attacks, or are struggling to function in your daily life, please do not ignore it.
Talk to your doctor and your therapist.
Medication may or may not be appropriate for you, and that decision belongs between you and qualified medical professionals.
The important point is that mental health support during divorce should not be treated as optional simply because the source of the stress is situational.
There is no prize for suffering more than necessary.
7. Get a Hobby During Divorce
You need something in your life that has absolutely nothing to do with your divorce.
Seriously.
Take a class. Play pickleball. Learn mahjong. Garden. Volunteer. Join a trivia night. Start exercising. Paint something badly. Do literally anything that forces your brain to focus on something other than your case.
People often say they do not have time for a hobby because divorce is consuming so much of their life.
That is exactly why you need one.
When every conversation, email, thought, and decision starts revolving around your divorce, having something that belongs entirely to you can help create some much-needed mental space.
8. Treat Yourself — Within Reason
Your entire life does not have to go on hold until your divorce is finalized.
That does not mean draining the marital estate or going on an emotional spending spree.
It means allowing yourself small things that make you feel like a human being.
Buy the sweater.
Get your nails done.
Order the good takeout.
Buy new sheets.
Get the haircut.
Divorce can make people feel guilty about experiencing joy while something difficult is happening.
You are still allowed to enjoy your life.
You are still allowed to spend money responsibly on yourself.
You do not have to live in an emotional monastery until your divorce decree arrives.
9. Watching More TV During Divorce May Actually Be Helpful
Nighttime can be especially difficult during divorce.
That is when your brain tends to start racing.
You reread old texts. You look through emails. You check locations. You investigate Venmo transactions from three years ago. You start thinking about things you absolutely cannot solve at 11:47 p.m.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is turn on the television and give your brain somewhere else to go.
Watch something funny.
Watch something ridiculous.
Watch reality TV.
Find a show you can binge that has absolutely nothing to do with divorce.
Distraction is not always avoidance. Sometimes it is simply giving your nervous system a break.
10. Keeping the Marital Home Is Not Always the Right Decision
The marital home is often one of the most emotional pieces of a divorce.
You may think:
This is where my children grew up.
I promised my kids they would not have to move.
They have already lost so much.
I cannot lose the house too.
Those feelings are completely understandable.
But keeping the marital home only makes sense if you can realistically afford to keep it.
If staying in the house means you are constantly afraid of the mortgage, unable to rebuild savings, or one major repair away from financial disaster, the house may no longer be providing the stability you think it is.
Children can adapt to a new home.
So can you.
A smaller house, apartment, condo, or completely different space can still become a safe, warm, happy home.
Your family is not defined by a particular building.
Before fighting to keep the marital home, talk to your attorney and financial professionals and ask whether keeping it truly makes sense for your future.
The Bigger Point
None of these opinions are universal rules.
Every divorce is different. Every family is different. Every financial situation, custody arrangement, and emotional experience is different.
The point is not to tell you exactly how to get divorced.
The point is to remind you that you are allowed to question the advice people repeat simply because everyone else repeats it.
You can protect yourself without becoming combative.
Speaking of- this is exactly why we created our Guided Divorce Meditations- do you have those yet? You should.
You can acknowledge that divorce is hard without allowing it to consume every part of your life.
You can ask for help.
You can laugh.
You can date.
You can move.
You can buy the sweater.
You can watch terrible television.
And eventually, divorce becomes something that happened in your life instead of the thing your entire life revolves around.
Divorce is part of your life. It does not get to become your whole life.