How to Take Your Power Back During Divorce — Especially With a Controlling Ex

One of the worst feelings during divorce is believing that someone else has control over your entire life. Maybe your ex seems to control the parenting schedule, the money, the pace of the divorce, the children, the communication, your mood, your sleep, or your ability to get through a normal Tuesday without feeling like you are about to crawl out of your skin.

That feeling of powerlessness can become almost as damaging as the actual conflict itself.

In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, Andrea talks with former family law attorney and OurFamilyWizard Legal Liaison Nikol Sotos about how to take your power back during divorce without turning the entire process into another power struggle. And the answer is not becoming louder, tougher, or more controlling than your ex. It is learning how to control the things that are actually yours to control.

Why Divorce Can Make You Feel So Powerless

For many people, divorce is their first experience with attorneys, court procedures, legal documents, financial disclosures, parenting agreements, and decisions that suddenly feel enormous. That uncertainty alone can make you feel like everyone else understands what is happening except you.

Then add a spouse who is intimidating, controlling, reactive, manipulative, or constantly creating conflict, and the emotional imbalance can become overwhelming. You may start to believe they have all the power, they are going to take everything, they control what happens next, and you are completely screwed.

But feeling powerless is not the same thing as actually having no power.

You still control your decisions, your reactions, your boundaries, your communication, your documentation, and the choices you make moving forward. That is where taking your power back begins.

Stop Letting Every Message Control Your Emotional State

One of the quickest ways to give away your power during divorce is allowing your ex to control your emotional state through communication. They send an inflammatory text, you immediately feel the heat rise in your chest, your fingers start typing, and you want to respond with exactly what you think of them.

Suddenly, you are behaving in the precise way they may have expected you to behave.

One of the most powerful things you can do in that moment is nothing.

Not forever. Just not immediately.

Put the phone down. Take a walk. Let your nervous system settle. Then ask yourself what actually requires a response. Sometimes the answer is “Thanks for the text.” Sometimes it is “Got it.” Sometimes it is “Noted.” And sometimes there is no response required at all.

The goal is not to win the argument. The goal is to stop allowing someone else to dictate your behavior.

Move From Reacting to Strategizing

High-conflict divorce can train you to live in constant defense mode. Every new email feels like an attack. Every text feels urgent. Every parenting disagreement feels like something you have to resolve immediately.

But there is a major difference between reacting and strategizing.

Reacting is focused on how to make your ex stop, how to prove them wrong, or how to get the last word. Strategizing asks a different set of questions. Does this actually require a response? What does my attorney need to know? Should I document this? Will engaging help me or hurt me? What is the smartest next move?

That shift can completely change the way divorce feels.

You may not control what your ex does, but you can control whether you participate in every fight they offer you.

Documentation Can Be a Form of Power

Documentation is not only for extreme or high-conflict divorce cases. Things change. People change their minds. New relationships enter the picture. Parenting disagreements develop. Something that was verbally agreed upon six months ago may suddenly be remembered very differently.

Keeping clear records can protect you and reduce confusion later.

Consider creating a separate email account specifically for your divorce. Keep important correspondence, agreements, timelines, and documents organized in one secure place. If your spouse knows your passwords, this may also be the time to update them and create more digital privacy.

The important part is to document quietly. You do not need to announce to your ex that you are keeping records. You are creating an organized paper trail, not trying to provoke another fight.

Boundaries Are Not the Same Thing as Control

For people who have spent years sharing everything with a spouse, even basic boundaries can feel uncomfortable. Creating your own email account can feel strange. Changing passwords can feel dramatic. Opening an individual account can feel secretive. Not answering a message immediately can feel rude.

But boundaries are not about controlling another person.

They are about managing your own environment.

You are not saying, “You need to behave differently.” You are saying, “This is how I am going to protect my time, my privacy, my emotional health, and my ability to make decisions.”

That is an enormous difference.

Taking your power back does not mean becoming controlling. It means becoming clearer about what belongs to you.

Your Ex’s Urgency Does Not Automatically Become Your Emergency

People in high-conflict relationships often become conditioned to respond immediately. The phone buzzes, your stomach drops, and you answer because whatever your ex wants suddenly feels urgent.

But urgency is not always emergency.

If your children are safe, nobody is sick, the house is not on fire, and there is no true crisis, you may have time to respond thoughtfully. You are allowed to finish dinner. You are allowed to sleep. You are allowed to spend time with friends. You are allowed to answer tomorrow.

Taking control of your time is one of the most important ways to stop feeling like your ex still runs your life.

Small Changes Can Help Restore a Sense of Control

Not every act of reclaiming power has to involve your lawyer or your divorce case.

Sometimes it starts with something almost absurdly small.

Walk a different route. Order something different. Change your morning routine. Try a new class. Go somewhere you do not normally go.

When your life feels completely dictated by court dates, parenting schedules, legal bills, and someone else’s behavior, even small choices can remind your brain that you still have agency.

No, switching your coffee order is not going to change your divorce settlement. That is not the point.

The point is reminding yourself that you can still make choices. You can still change things. Your entire life is not controlled by this divorce.

Better Communication Protects You

When communication with your ex becomes hostile, it can be incredibly difficult to stay neutral. That is where structure can help.

Tools like OurFamilyWizard can create a documented communication channel for co-parents, and features such as ToneMeter are designed to flag emotionally charged language before a message is sent.

That may sound boring when what you really want to send is something much more colorful.

But boring can be powerful.

If you are trying to demonstrate that you are calm, cooperative, and focused on the actual issue, your written communication matters. You do not want to spend months explaining how unreasonable your ex is while simultaneously creating messages that make you look equally reactive.

Let their behavior belong to them.

You control yours.

Think More Than You Feel

This may be one of the hardest parts of divorce.

Divorce is incredibly emotional, but many of the choices you are making have long-term legal and financial consequences. When something feels unbearable, you may want to rush. You may want to sign something just to make the uncomfortable feeling stop. You may want your attorney to handle everything so you never have to look at another document again.

But avoiding the process can become expensive later.

Slow down. Ask questions. Understand what you are agreeing to. Use your attorney for legal advice, but stay involved in your own life.

You do not need to become a family law expert. You do need to understand the decisions being made in your name.

Taking Your Power Back Is Usually Much Quieter Than You Think

Taking your power back during divorce rarely looks like some dramatic movie moment where you finally defeat your ex.

It looks much smaller than that.

It looks like not responding to the text. It looks like documenting instead of arguing. It looks like creating a boundary. It looks like changing the password. It looks like asking your attorney another question before you sign. It looks like finishing dinner instead of answering 17 messages. It looks like getting up on a terrible day and continuing with your life anyway.

Those choices add up.

And over time, you may realize something important: your ex did not have as much control over you as it felt like they did.

You Will Not Feel This Way Forever

Divorce can feel endless when you are in the middle of it. The pit in your stomach feels permanent. The hypervigilance feels permanent. The constant question of “Are they winning?” feels permanent.

It is not.

The legal case eventually changes. The conflict changes. Your routines change. You change.

There may come a point when you realize you went an entire day without thinking about whether your ex had power over you. Then maybe two days. Then a week.

Eventually, divorce becomes part of your history instead of the center of your identity.

Until then, focus on the pieces you can control: your response, your boundaries, your documentation, your decisions, and your next small step.

That is power.