Divorce and Co-Parenting During the Holidays: What Your Parenting Plan Is Missing
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“We’ll alternate holidays.”
It sounds fair. It sounds straightforward. It sounds like something you can agree to so you can finally stop paying people to argue about Thanksgiving.
Then Thanksgiving arrives, your ex wants to take the kids out of state, and you discover that the holiday schedule gives them Thursday—but the trip requires Wednesday through Sunday. Or Halloween lands on your co-parent’s day, and your attempt to divide trick-or-treating turns an evening of candy and costumes into three exchanges and a fight.
A holiday parenting plan can look perfectly reasonable on paper while missing the details that matter to your family. In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, Andrea Rappaport and family law attorney Morgan Stogsdill discuss what to consider when negotiating holiday parenting time—and how to handle the feelings that come up when your children spend a holiday somewhere else.
A Holiday Parenting Schedule Needs More Than Even and Odd Years
Alternating holidays establishes a starting point. It does not necessarily explain how your family will celebrate them. Before agreeing to a schedule, think about the traditions you already have, the relatives you usually visit, and the time those celebrations actually require.
Maybe Christmas Eve has always been your family’s gathering. Maybe your co-parent’s family has a Fourth of July tradition that matters more to them than Thanksgiving. Perhaps a religious observance important to your household does not appear in the standard holiday list at all. Those details belong in the conversation with your attorney.
Morgan encourages parents to identify which traditions are especially important and which could move to another day. She also suggests anticipating what matters to the other parent. You already know something about your spouse’s family, travel habits, and expectations. Sharing that information with your attorney can help make the negotiations more practical.
The goal is a schedule your family can actually use. That requires thinking beyond who gets which holiday and looking closely at what each holiday means.
Holiday Travel Can Expose a Gap in Your Parenting Plan
Andrea shares a detail she and her ex overlooked during their divorce: neither of their families lived nearby. A Thanksgiving visit therefore required more than Thanksgiving Day.
When a parenting agreement assigns one parent the holiday but gives the surrounding weekend to the other, an out-of-town trip may depend on an additional agreement. That can become stressful when communication is difficult or one parent insists on following the schedule exactly.
If your family typically travels for holidays, discuss the full trip with your attorney. Consider departure and return dates, school breaks, exchange times, and how the holiday schedule interacts with regular parenting time. A morning exchange may preserve a tradition like watching the Thanksgiving parade together. A late-day exchange may make a long drive impractical.
You cannot predict every future trip. You can explain how your family usually celebrates and ask whether the proposed schedule accounts for it.
Your Children’s Needs Will Change as They Grow
A parenting schedule created for a two-year-old and a four-year-old may feel different when those children are nine and eleven. As kids grow, friendships, school activities, travel preferences, and their feelings about celebrations can change.
In the episode, Andrea and Morgan discuss whether an agreement could include an option to revisit parts of the schedule through mediation at a future point. Morgan explains that this can offer flexibility, but it also deserves careful consideration in a high-conflict divorce. A parent who repeatedly seeks opportunities to argue may treat a review provision as another opening for conflict.
That is a question to work through with your own attorney: would a future review help your family adapt, or create a recurring source of stress? Asking the question while you are negotiating gives you a chance to consider the tradeoffs before a problem develops.
Splitting Halloween or a Birthday May Be Harder Than You Expect
Parents understandably want to see their children on special days. But dividing a celebration into equal blocks of time can mean children spend part of that day leaving something they are enjoying, switching households, and settling in again.
Halloween makes this especially clear. A child may want to trick-or-treat with friends in one neighborhood. A mid-evening exchange could interrupt those plans, even if it gives both parents time with the child.
Birthdays can be equally complicated. Andrea describes years when a short birthday visit felt happy and manageable, and other years when it was painful for everyone. A brief morning visit with donuts and balloons worked better on some occasions. The same arrangement did not fit every year.
Consider your child’s age, temperament, plans, and experience of transitions. Talk through the options before settling on a schedule simply because it appears equal.
Missing Your Kids During the Holidays Is Allowed
The first holiday without your children can feel awful. An empty house, a familiar tradition, or a photo from someone else’s celebration can bring up grief you thought you had under control. You do not have to pretend that spending holidays apart is easy.
But your children should not have to manage those feelings for you. If they hear that you will be sitting alone waiting for them, they may worry about you while they are supposed to be enjoying their day.
Andrea and Morgan discuss planning something to look forward to together after the holiday. It can be small: a movie night, favorite snacks, or your own celebration on Saturday. Giving your children a warm, concrete plan can also give you something to hold onto during the time apart.
For the moments when missing your kids becomes overwhelming, our Guided Divorce Meditations offer short, private listening sessions created specifically for divorce. The series includes support for missing your children, loneliness, worry, and the difficult moments around parenting exchanges. You can listen through your favorite podcast app when you need help getting through the next few minutes.
Make Holiday Check-Ins About Connection
A holiday phone call may seem like the obvious way to stay connected. Its timing and tone still matter. Calling in the middle of a family gathering can pull children away from their celebration and remind them that a parent is missing them.
In the episode, Andrea and Morgan suggest thinking ahead about when a check-in would work and keeping it brief and reassuring. Andrea recommends having a light story to share instead of asking question after question about the other household. Children can tell you what they want to tell you without feeling interviewed.
Every family’s circumstances are different. Consider your children’s needs, any communication provisions in your agreement, and what is workable with your co-parent. A planned call can feel very different from repeatedly calling because your own anxiety is escalating.
Keep Holiday Requests and Schedule Changes Organized
Holiday planning often involves more than a date on a calendar. There may be travel requests, exchange details, changes to the usual schedule, and information both households need.
OurFamilyWizard provides a shared place for co-parenting communication and scheduling, which can help you keep those details together. If you agree to an adjustment, clearly documenting the dates and arrangements can reduce confusion about what each parent understood.
Learn more about OurFamilyWizard here.
Plan for the Family You Have
A useful holiday parenting plan reflects your children, your traditions, your travel needs, and the realities of your co-parenting relationship. It also takes thought to live with that plan when you are grieving, frustrated, or facing your first celebration without the kids.
This episode gives you questions to bring into negotiations and practical ideas for the holidays that follow. Listen to “Divorce & Co-Parenting During the Holidays: What Your Parenting Plan Is Missing” on How Not to Suck at Divorce, then explore the Divorce Crash Course for more guidance on preparing your parenting agreement and working with your attorney.
You can build meaningful traditions with your children, even when the calendar looks different than you expected.
This article and podcast provide general information, not legal advice. Discuss your parenting agreement and circumstances with an attorney licensed in your jurisdiction.