High-Conflict Co-Parenting: When to Contact Your Divorce Attorney or GAL
Going through divorce and worried about making an expensive mistake? Start with the Divorce Crash Course. Our private podcast and printable workbook help you understand parenting agreements, prepare questions for your attorney, and communicate more efficiently. Typically priced at $150, available now for $50, thanks to our angel underwriters OurFamilyWizard and Soberlink. Get the Divorce Crash Course here.
Your co-parent sends the kids home in clothes that haven’t fit in three years. They buy concert tickets on your parenting night without asking you. They introduce a new partner in a way that appears to go against your parenting agreement. Or you discover, again, that you’re the only parent who didn’t receive an important email from the teacher.
You’re upset. Understandably. But now comes the harder question: does this need a message to your co-parent, a conversation with your attorney, or attention from the guardian ad litem?
In a high-conflict divorce, making that distinction can feel impossible. Everything has history attached to it. The missing sweatshirt comes with six years of resentment. The school email feels like another attempt to push you out. You worry that ignoring the behavior will encourage more of it, but addressing every incident can consume your money, time, and energy.
In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, Andrea Rappaport welcomes back Dan Bloom, an Atlanta family law attorney, former judge, and guardian ad litem, to work through real co-parenting scenarios. His starting point is a question worth keeping close: How is this affecting your child?
Start With Your Child’s Experience
Something can be infuriating without having a significant effect on your child. Something that looks minor to another adult can also matter enormously to a particular child. Understanding that difference helps you explain a concern clearly and decide what kind of response to consider.
Dan uses clothing as an example. Parents may care more about an outfit than their children do. A child returning directly home in an old shirt presents a different situation from a child repeatedly spending the school day in uncomfortable, poorly fitting clothing. He also describes children being made to change clothes in parking lots before exchanges so that outfits don’t move between households. In that situation, the concern includes the experience and message being imposed on the child.
The same reasoning applies to missing belongings. A forgotten item may be inconvenient. A comfort object that helps a young child sleep can have a much bigger effect. The useful question is specific: what happened to your child because of this?
That doesn’t mean your feelings are irrelevant. It means the effect on your child needs to remain clear when you ask someone to help.
An Irritating Incident and a Pattern Deserve Different Questions
When co-parenting is difficult, it’s easy to collect examples of everything your ex does wrong. But a long list of grievances doesn’t automatically explain what needs to change.
Dan encourages parents to look at context and patterns. Was this an isolated mistake during a rough morning? Has the same issue happened repeatedly? Have you tried to address it? Does it interfere with your child’s sleep, school preparation, activities, comfort, or ability to move between households?
Keeping a factual record can help you see those differences. Note what happened, when it happened, how your child was affected, and what you did in response. Ask your attorney how they want that information recorded and shared.
The record should help you recognize a concern and communicate it efficiently. It shouldn’t require you to spend every evening mentally living at your ex’s house.
What If Your Ex Introduces a New Partner Against the Parenting Agreement?
A new partner can bring up feelings before anyone has done anything wrong. Learning about an introduction from your children—especially when you expected notice or a different process—can make those feelings even stronger.
In the episode, Dan discusses a scenario in which a parent does not follow the introduction provisions in an existing parenting plan. He separates the concern about following the agreement from the parent’s immediate reaction to hearing the news.
Your child may have enjoyed the outing. They may have felt uncomfortable. Before deciding how to respond to your co-parent, pay attention to what your child is actually telling you. A visibly angry reaction can leave a child feeling that they did something wrong by having fun or sharing information.
The wording of your own agreement matters, as do the circumstances. Rather than firing off a lengthy accusation, ask your attorney whether the incident needs to be recorded, addressed, or considered alongside other concerns.
“Dad Told Me Not to Tell You” Changes the Conversation
The discussion takes a different turn when the child has been asked to keep the introduction secret.
Dan’s first focus is supporting the child. A child who shares something uncomfortable needs to know they can talk to you without triggering an explosion or becoming responsible for the adults’ next argument. They also shouldn’t be turned into an investigator or asked to provide a detailed report about the other household.
You may need time to think before deciding what to do. A calm response can acknowledge the child’s discomfort and let them know the adults will work on the problem.
The issue deserves attention because of the position the child has been put in. Asking a child to carry a secret between parents can create pressure that goes well beyond your feelings about the new relationship. Bring the context to the professionals involved in your case so they can help you determine the next step.
When Your Co-Parent Makes Plans During Your Parenting Time
Few situations create instant resentment like an excited child announcing plans you never agreed to. Your ex bought the tickets. Your child wants to go. And somehow you’re now the person who has to say no.
Andrea and Dan work through a concert-ticket scenario involving precisely that problem. Dan discusses a response that allows the child to enjoy the experience while addressing the way the plans were made separately with the other parent.
The distinction matters: your child’s enjoyment and your co-parent’s failure to coordinate are two parts of the same situation. They don’t necessarily need to be handled in the same conversation.
That example isn’t a universal instruction to give up parenting time whenever someone buys tickets. Your schedule, existing plans, agreement, and history all matter. It is a reminder to consider how your response will affect the child before turning the scheduling problem into another battle.
Being Left Out of School Communication Can Be a Serious Concern
A missed copy on a quick teacher email may be an oversight. A repeated pattern of excluding a parent from educational information can leave that household unable to support the child effectively.
Dan explains why this matters to him. A parent helping with homework, preparing for a test, or responding to a school concern needs access to relevant information. Problems may also involve school portals, emergency contacts, or how the school understands each parent’s role.
Start by checking what the school needs in order to communicate with both households. Make sure the teacher and appropriate staff have your contact information, and ask about access to the systems used for updates. You can also take responsibility for communicating with the school and including your co-parent when appropriate.
If exclusion continues as a pattern, discuss it with your attorney or the professionals involved in your custody matter. Explain what information you missed and how that affected your ability to meet your child’s needs.
How to Raise a Concern With Your Attorney or Guardian ad Litem
The way you explain a problem can make it easier—or harder—for someone to understand what you need.
Dan recommends focusing on the child’s experience and asking for help finding a solution. Describe the behavior, explain the impact, and identify what you have already tried. That gives a professional more useful information than an email devoted to proving that your ex is impossible.
He also explains that, as an attorney, he generally wants clients to check with him before bringing an issue to a guardian ad litem. That allows him to help assess whether it belongs with the GAL and how to present it. The approach can vary depending on the client and case, so ask your own attorney how they want you to handle concerns.
You don’t need to write a novel to make an issue count. A concise, factual message can still communicate something important.
Keep Co-Parenting Messages Organized
In the episode, Andrea discusses using OurFamilyWizard to keep communication in one place rather than trying to reconstruct conversations from scattered texts and emails. She also talks about its tone tools as an opportunity to reconsider a message before sending it.
A shared communication system can make it easier to find the original exchange, review what was requested, and keep track of responses. The content of the message still matters. Clear requests and factual explanations give everyone a better chance of understanding the issue.
Learn more about OurFamilyWizard here.
Give Yourself Support Before You Respond
High-conflict co-parenting can leave you questioning every decision. If you say nothing, are you allowing a problem to grow? If you address it, are you starting another expensive argument? That uncertainty is exhausting.
Sometimes you need a little space before deciding what comes next. Our Guided Divorce Meditations include 11 short sessions created for difficult divorce moments, including worry about your children, parenting exchanges, frustration, and trouble sleeping. They offer private support through your favorite podcast app when you need help getting through the next few minutes.
For more practical preparation, the Divorce Crash Course provides guidance and a printable workbook to help you organize questions, understand parenting agreements, and communicate with your attorney.
Choose a Response That Helps Your Child
You may never get the email in which your co-parent says, “You were right. I was wrong.” Waiting for that moment can keep you stuck in arguments that don’t improve anything for your children.
Dan’s advice throughout the episode is to keep returning to your child’s needs. Identify the impact, pay attention to patterns, and seek guidance about concerns that need action. Some situations call for a professional response. Others may be manageable with a clear message, a practical adjustment, or a decision to let the irritation pass.
Listen to “Divorce & Co-Parenting Conflict: When to Call Your Lawyer or GAL” on How Not to Suck at Divorce for the full conversation.
If you’d like to explore working with Dan, he consults on high-conflict custody matters in Georgia and throughout the country. Learn more about Dan Bloom or contact his firm to ask whether his services fit your situation.
This article and podcast provide general information, not legal advice. Consult your own attorney about your parenting agreement, court orders, and circumstances.