Divorcing an Alcoholic: The Support You Need to Leave Safely (and Keep Your Sanity)
Living with alcoholism inside a marriage can make you question everything—your judgment, your boundaries, even your reality. One day you’re thinking “This isn’t that bad” and the next you’re thinking “How is this my life?”
If you’re considering divorcing an alcoholic—or you haven’t left yet because you’re scared of what happens next—this episode of How Not To Suck At Divorce was made for you.
In this conversation, Morgan Stogsdill (family law attorney) and Andrea Rappaport (comedian + divorce realist) sit down with Jeff Wright, a business leader and mentor whose passion project is helping people leave alcohol-fueled relationships. Jeff’s perspective comes from deep personal experience: he grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. And his message is blunt, compassionate, and refreshingly action-based.
Because here’s the truth: leaving isn’t just a legal process. It’s a nervous-system process. And you need the right kind of support.
Why Divorcing an Alcoholic Feels So Confusing (Even When It’s Clearly Bad)
From the outside, people can look at your situation and think:
“Just leave.”
But when you’re living it, it’s different. The chaos becomes normal. The stress becomes background noise. You start surviving instead of living.
Morgan explains something she sees constantly in her office: alcoholism exists on a spectrum. It’s not always the obvious “bottle-a-day” stereotype. Sometimes it’s the functioning alcoholic who looks fine at work but is emotionally volatile at home. Sometimes it’s binge drinking. Sometimes it’s the parent who passes out after the kids are asleep—or the one who drives with the kids after drinking.
Different story, same theme: you’re never fully safe, never fully settled, never fully relaxed.
One of the most telling questions Morgan offers is this:
When your spouse isn’t home, are you calmer? Are your kids calmer? Does the tension rise when you know they’re on their way back?
If the answer is yes, your body is already giving you information your mind may still be debating.
The Real Reasons People Don’t Leave an Alcoholic Spouse
A lot of people assume the reason you stay is money. Jeff says that’s not what he sees most often.
What he sees, over and over, is this:
1) Limiting beliefs
“You’ll never make it without me.”
“No one else will want you.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re too much.”
Those messages get repeated until they become identity, not just insults.
2) Fear of judgment
People worry about what the community will say, what the church will say, what the family will say—what everyone will think if the “perfect” life falls apart.
3) Kids and safety concerns
This is the big one. Morgan explains the legal fear clearly:
If you leave, how do you protect your kids when they’re alone with the alcoholic parent?
4) The fear of making it worse
Many people feel like they’re “holding everything together.” They’re afraid the drinker will spiral, lose their job, or end up in a deeper hole if they leave.
And here’s the thing: these fears aren’t irrational. They’re common. They’re real.
But they also keep you trapped.
Trauma Bonds: “They Hit You, Then They Hug You”
Jeff breaks down trauma bonding in the most memorable way:
They hurt you… and then they comfort you. Hurt you… then hug you.
And over time, your nervous system starts confusing relief with love.
It’s like someone holding your head underwater and then pulling you up—you don’t feel grateful because you’re adored. You feel grateful because you can breathe.
That’s not love. That’s survival.
And survival gets addictive.
The Quietest Danger: Getting Used to Chaos
Morgan says something that hits hard:
When you live in this long enough, you stop seeing how bad it is—because it becomes your baseline.
You start tolerating what you should never have to tolerate.
And if kids are involved, there’s an additional reality check: courts can eventually question why the sober parent stayed and allowed children to be exposed to harmful behavior.
That’s not meant to shame anyone. It’s meant to wake you up.
Because you deserve more than survival. And so do your kids.
Self-Preservation: What It Actually Means When You’re Leaving an Alcoholic
Most people hear “self-preservation” and think it means:
Don’t talk to anyone
Bottle it up
Pretend you’re fine
Tough it out
That’s not what Jeff says.
Self-preservation means being strategic about support.
Talk to people who are bound by confidentiality
Jeff warns against telling friends-of-friends or anyone connected to the rumor mill. The story spreads, gets exaggerated, and eventually makes its way back to the drinker—often in a way that escalates risk.
Instead:
Talk to an attorney
Talk to a therapist
Talk to a medical professional
You need a safe place to “let air out of the tire”—not a public stage.
Legal Tools That Can Help Protect Kids (Yes, They Exist)
One of the biggest fears people have is:
“How do I keep my kids safe if I leave?”
Morgan emphasizes that we now have more tools than ever to address alcohol use in divorce and custody cases, including:
Monitoring devices (like Soberlink) that require breath tests before and during parenting time
Alcohol testing options that can detect patterns beyond a basic 24-hour urine test
Supervised parenting time when necessary
Legal frameworks that prioritize safety while still following due process
The takeaway: you’re not crazy, and you’re not powerless. You may just need guidance on what’s available.
A Critical Reminder: Your Divorce Attorney Is Not Your Therapist
Andrea puts it bluntly (and honestly, thank God she does):
Your attorney is your strategy person.
They are not there to emotionally breastfeed you, burp you, and change your diaper.
And if you’re divorcing an alcoholic, you need both:
Attorney for legal protection and strategy
Therapist for emotional containment and nervous-system support
Because this process can get harder before it gets easier—and you need a real support team.
The 3 Action Steps to Start Moving Forward (Even If You’re Not Ready to File)
Jeff offers action steps you can begin immediately—whether you’re leaving now or preparing to leave later.
1) Make a plan quietly
Not overnight. Brick by brick.
That may include:
A go-bag with documents (birth certificates, cards, essentials)
Private accounts at a separate bank
A safe place to store important information
A burner phone if safety requires it
Planning doesn’t mean filing.
Planning means preparing.
2) Become a promise-keeper to yourself
Jeff’s point is powerful: people keep promises to bosses who don’t care about them—but break promises to themselves every day.
Tiny wins build confidence. Confidence builds identity. Identity changes your life.
3) Listen to your gut
Jeff’s mic-drop:
Your mind will lie to you a thousand times a day. Your gut has never lied to you once.
If your body is telling you this isn’t safe, isn’t healthy, isn’t sustainable—believe it.
Final Truth: You’re Not Living. You’re Surviving.
If you’re listening to this episode, a part of you already knows.
You don’t have to wait for a catastrophic breaking point. You don’t have to keep normalizing chaos. And you don’t have to do this alone.
Get information. Build support. Make a plan. Take one step.
And remember—meeting with an attorney doesn’t mean you’re filing tomorrow. It means you’re getting clarity.
You’ve got this.
And we’ve got you.